Humor of Comrade Stalin

Humor of Comrade Stalin

01

A sense of humor helps to more deeply reveal the identity of a person. The humor of the great figures of this world always has a touch of originality.
I offer you a small selection of short stories describing the humor of one of the main figures of the last century.

... At the talks there were disputes about the post-war borders, and Churchill said:
“But Lviv was never a Russian city!”
“And Warsaw was,” Stalin objected ...

***
Harriman at the Potsdam Conference asked Stalin:
“After the Germans in 1841 were 18 km away. from Moscow, perhaps you are pleased now to share defeated Berlin? "
"Tsar Alexander reached Paris," Stalin replied.

***
During a visit to the Exhibition of Economic Achievements, Stalin drew attention to the fact that the tomatoes on display were spoiled, and when he got into the car, he reminded:
“Do not forget to remove the tomatoes! But only tomatoes, I said nothing more. ”

***
When Mao Zedong was with Stalin, he asked for permission to settle 20 million Chinese in the Soviet Far East.
“I have enough of my 200 million,” Stalin replied.

***
Stalin came to the show in Hood. theater.He was met by Stanislavsky and, holding out his hand, said: “Alekseev,” calling his real name.
"Dzhugashvili," Stalin replied, shaking hands, and walked over to his chair.

***
During the war, Stalin ordered Baibakov to discover new oil fields. When Baibakov replied that this was impossible, Stalin replied:
“There will be oil, there will be Baibakov, there will be no oil, there will be no Baibakov!”
Soon, deposits were discovered in Tatarstan and Bashkiria.

***
When deciding what to do with the German navy, Stalin offered to divide, and Churchill made a counter offer: "Scuttle."
Stalin replies: "Here you are your half and drown."

***
Leshchenko, answering a question about the sense of humor of our leaders, said that Stalin was the last one to attend. And immediately told the episode:
Stalin loved to go to the Bolshoi, knew all the first artists. Once, when he came to “Aida”, he noticed that one of the heroes, it seems, Amnes, was played by someone who was not familiar to him. And it was the People's Artist of the USSR Megrelidze (not exactly, but it was not I who forgot, but Leschenko). He became popular to no small degree because of "dze", i.e. played not on the level.
Stalin asked:
- And who is this playing Amnes?
- Megrelidze, Comrade Stalin, People's Artist of the USSR.
- Hmmm, what a generous state we have ...
And immediately added: "Do nothing."

***
When Khrushchev at a Politburo meeting after the war expressed his views on the construction of agricultural cities, gas, water supply, etc., Stalin listened, approached him, patted him on the shoulder and said:
"My little Marx!"

***
BT was preparing a new production of Glinka's opera “Ivan Susanin”. The members of the commission, headed by the chairman Bolshakov, listened and decided that it was necessary to make the final “Hail the Russian people!”: Churchliness, patriarchalism ...
Reported to Stalin.
“And we will act differently: we will leave the final, and we will remove Bolshakov.”

***
Chief of the General Staff of the Red Army A.M. Vasilevsky showed Stalin a whole slander folder for Army General I.D. Chernyakhovsky. They talked about the fact that he has a lot of women.
“What shall we do?” Asked Vasilevsky.
"What do we do? What do we do? We will envy! "

***
It seems that Konstantin Simonov has a description of a dispute with a western journalist about freedom of speech:
Journalist:
- I can shout in front of the White House that our president is a fool.
K. Simonov:
- I can also shout at Red Square that your president is a fool.
Journalist:
- And about Stalin can?
K. Simonov:
- I can not. Because it is not true.

***
About Rokossovsky - a great man, easily parted with trophies, as a true Pole always brought the first toast to lovely ladies.
Immediately after the war, he built himself a dacha, everyone envied him. And he invited all the Politburo and the entire General Staff to wash ... Stalin also arrived. We walked all night, sang songs, recalled the war. In the morning everyone is forgiven, then Stalin tells him:
- “Thank you so much, Comrade. Rokossovsky, you built a nice children's holiday home. ”
On the same day the house was inhabited by orphans.
Rokossovsky himself long afterwards had fun about this, and washed the house several times in a narrower circle.

***
The People's Commissar of Agriculture of Ukraine was summoned to the Politburo. He asked:
- How should I report: shortly or in detail?
“As you wish, you can briefly, you can in detail, but the time limit is three minutes,” answered Stalin.

***
Once foreign correspondents asked Stalin:
- Why is Mount Ararat depicted on the coat of arms of Armenia, because it is not located on the territory of Armenia?
Stalin replied:
- The crescent is depicted on the coat of arms of Turkey, but it is not located in Turkey either.

***
One day, early in the morning, Academician Tarle woke up a phone call.
“Comrade Tarle, have you read today's Pravda?”
- No, Comrade Stalin. Not yet in time.
- Well and good! And do not read. And then I overlooked.
Tarle opened the newspaper and found a devastating article about his latest book. Everyone was amazed how easy it was for Tarle to experience what had happened. A day later, Pravda published a positive article about his book.

***
Before the war, Rokossovsky was arrested. In the fall of the fortieth he was released and given him a division. During the war, the division fought so well that Stalin decided to give Rokossovsky a bigger purpose.
Rokossovsky was recalled from the front.
- Are you familiar with the German military doctrine? - Stalin asked him.
- No, Comrade Stalin.
- And with the structure and weapons of the German army?
- No, Comrade Stalin, because I was sitting.
- Found time to sit out.

***
In the fall of 1936, a rumor spread in the West that Joseph Stalin died of a serious illness. Charles Nitter, a correspondent for the Associated Press news agency, decided to get information from the most reliable source.He went to the Kremlin, where he handed a letter to Stalin asking him to confirm or deny this rumor.
Stalin replied to the journalist immediately: “Dear sir! As far as I know from the reports of the foreign press, I have long since left this sinful world and moved to the next world. Since the messages of the foreign press can not be treated with confidence, if you do not want to be removed from the list of civilized people, then I ask you to believe these messages and not disturb my peace in the silence of the other world.
October 26, 1936. Respectfully I. Stalin.

***
In the first post-war year, Finance Minister A. Zverev, concerned about the high fees of a number of major writers, prepared a corresponding memorandum and presented it to Stalin. He asked to invite him to Zverev.
When the minister entered, Stalin, not offering him to sit down, said: “So, it turns out that we have millionaire writers? Sounds awesome, comrade Zverev? Millionaire writers!
“Terrible, Comrade Stalin, terrible,” the minister confirmed.
Stalin handed the folder to the financier with a note prepared by him: “It is terrible, Comrade Zverev, that we have so few millionaire writers! Writers are the memory of a nation. And what will they write if they live from hand to mouth? ”

***
Admiral I. Isakov from 1938 was Deputy Commissar of the Navy. Once in 1946, Stalin phoned him and said that there is an opinion to appoint him chief of the Main Naval Staff, that year renamed the Navy Headquarters.
Isakov replied: "Comrade Stalin, I must report to you that I have a serious shortcoming: one leg is amputated."
“Is this the only flaw you consider necessary to report?” The question followed.
"Yes," confirmed the admiral.
“We used to have a chief of staff without a head. Nothing worked. You only have no legs - this is not scary, ”concluded Stalin.

***
In a number of sources, this episode is described as a genuine case.
One colonel-general reported to Stalin on the situation. The Supreme Commander looked very pleased and nodded twice approvingly. Having finished the report, the warlord hesitated. Stalin asked: "Do you want to say anything else?"
“Yes, I have a personal question. In Germany, I selected some things of interest to me, but were detained at the control point. If possible, I would ask them to return them to me. ”
"It's possible. Write a report, I will impose a resolution. "
Colonel-General pulled out a previously prepared report from his pocket. Stalin imposed a resolution. The petitioner began to warmly thank.
"It is not worth thanks," - said Stalin.
After reading the resolution written on the report: “Return his junk to the colonel. Stalin, "the general turned to the Supreme:" There is a slip of the eye, Comrade Stalin. I am not a colonel, but a colonel general. "
"No, everything is correct here, Comrade Colonel," Stalin replied.

***
Zasyadko.
The candidature for the post of Minister of Coal Industry was discussed.
They offered the director of one of the mines Zasyadko. Someone objected:
- All is well, but he is abusing alcohol!
“Invite him to me,” Stalin said. Zasyadko came. Stalin began to talk with him and offered to drink.
- With pleasure, - said Zasyadko, poured a glass of vodka: - For your health, Comrade Stalin! - drank and continued the conversation.
Stalin sipped a little and, carefully observing, suggested a second one. Zasyadko - Khloby second glass, and not in one eye. Stalin suggested a third, but his interlocutor pushed his glass aside and said:
- Zasyadko measure knows.
We talked.At a meeting of the Politburo, when the question about the candidacy of the minister again arose, and again it was stated about the abuse of alcohol by the proposed candidate, Stalin, walking around with the pipe, said:
- Zasyadko measure knows!
And for many years Zasyadko headed our coal industry ...

***
PROBLEM OF LONGEVITY
Academician A. A. Bogomolets put forward the theory of longevity, and Stalin gave him an institute for this. However, the academician himself died in 1946, having lived only 65 years.
- All fooled! - said Stalin, having learned about his death.
***
Bulganin
After the war, N. A. Bulganin was appointed Minister of Defense, and he began to prepare to receive a parade — learn to ride a horse. They brought him the most meek mare, and he trained in the Kremlin courtyard. Stalin came out, looked and said:
- You sit on a horse, as the chief of the mentor!
Immediately there is a civilian appearance of Bulganin with a beard and in military uniform ... The parade began to take on cars.
“Still, one cannot refuse Stalin’s sense of humor!” Laughed Colonel-General A.N. Ponomarev, who told me this episode. (F. Chuev)

***
... Party worker Polikarpov was told that they want to send to work as executive secretary to the Writers' Union.Polikarpov begged:
- I used to work with normal people, and writers are drunkards, completely uncontrollable ...
When they reported this to Stalin, he said:
- Tell Comrade Polikarpov that I have no other writers.
***
Representing film actor Boris Andreev, who played the main role in the film “The Fall of Berlin,” Mao Zedong, Stalin said:
- Here is the artist Boris Andreev. The two of us took Berlin.

***
FORCED STOP (F.Chuev)
Different people who had a chance to watch movies with Stalin told me many episodes on this subject. Here is one of them.
In 1939, watched "The train goes to the east." The film is not so hot: the train is coming, it stops ...
- What is the station? - Stalin asked.
- Demyanovka.
“This is where I'll go,” said Stalin and left the hall.
***
SECRETARY
... Stalin called the Writers' Union, but they could not connect him either with Fadeyev or Surkov — with none of the leaders. Only their secretaries responded. Stalin asked the members of the Politburo:
- Why did the Roman Empire die? - And he answered: - Because the secretaries began to manage it!

***
THINK OF YOURSELF
Artist Abrikosov at a reception in the Kremlin shouted:
- For your health, Comrade Stalin! - and drank a glass of vodka in one gulp.
Stalin said quietly to him:
- Think of yours.

***
WAITED ...
People's Commissar of Higher Education Kaftans during the war was in charge of scientific research. The chief of the mortar office, with whom he was in contact, was arrested. Kaftanov, who knew about this arrest, at a meeting of the Politburo told Stalin that he could not get through to this comrade for four days, and added:
- I ask you, Comrade Stalin, to punish him!
- And where he? - Stalin asked.
“We have,” answered Beria.
... After a while this fellow appeared in the doorway.
“Sit down, otherwise we were waiting for you,” said Stalin.

***
EVALUATION
V.Grabin, the designer of artillery systems, told me how, on the eve of 1942, Stalin invited him and said:
- Your gun saved Russia. What do you want - the Hero of Socialist Labor or the Stalin Prize?
- I do not care, Comrade Stalin.
Dali and that, and more. (F. Chuev)

***
Bunnies
Vannikov was suddenly released from prison into the war, brought to Stalin, and he appointed him People's Commissar. Vannikov said:
- Tomorrow I will appear in the People's Commissariat, yesterday's convict. What is my authority among my subordinates?
“We will take care of your authority,” Stalin replied. - Found time to sit!
In the morning, when Vannikov arrived at work, <Truth> lay on his desk with a decree conferring on him the title of Hero of Socialist Labor.

***
CHURCH
Patriarch of All Russia Alexy addressed Stalin with a request to allow the opening of a church in Moscow.
“Open up,” said Stalin. - Russian mothers have someone to pray for, there is someone to cry for.
The cheered patriarch dared to ask for permission to open religious schools as well. Stalin allowed the opening of theological schools, and he said about the seminaries: “History knows cases when quite good revolutionaries came out of the theological seminaries! And yet, from them a little confusing. You see, I studied at the seminary, and nothing good came of it. ”
***
GREAT TEACHER
Chiang Kai-shek called Stalin <great teacher>, to which Stalin remarked:
- I, too, children!

***
LEMONS
Stalin went with the First Secretary of the Central Committee of Georgia A. I. Mgeladze through the alleys of the Kuntsev dacha and treated him with lemons, which he himself grew in his lemongrass:
- Try, here, near Moscow, have grown! And so several times, between conversations on other topics:
- Try, good lemons! Finally, the interlocutor dawned:
- Comrade Stalin, I promise you that in seven years Georgia will provide the country with lemons, and we will not import them from abroad.
- Thank God, I guessed! - said Stalin.

***
From the memoirs of one of the guards of Stalin A. Rybin.
On trips, Stalin was often accompanied by a guard Tukov. He sat in the front seat next to the driver and used to fall asleep on the way. Someone from the Politburo, who was riding in the back seat with Stalin, remarked:
- Comrade Stalin, I do not understand who among you protects whom?
“This is what,” answered Joseph Vissarionovich, “he still thrust his pistol into his cloak — take, they say, just in case!”

***
IN "METROPOL"
... Sergei Mikhalkov was sitting, all the time looking at Stalin, as if urging him to pay attention. Stalin sensed this and said to Mao Zedong:
- And this is the writer Mikhalkov. It is impossible not to notice! - bearing in mind, apparently, high growth of Sergey Vladimirovich.
Molotov was sitting, as usual, next to Stalin. Having seized the moment when Vyacheslav Mikhailovich came out, Mikhalkov sat down with Stalin. Molotov returned and, noting that his place was taken, moved aside. But Stalin said:
- Comrade Mikhalkov, it is difficult to sit on two chairs!

***
THE ONLY AND THAT ...
Stalin told the leader of the Czechoslovak Communists and the first president of Czechoslovakia, Clement Gottwald:
“You are the only decent person in your whole country, and that drunkard!”

***
ACCURACY PERCENT
Stalin asked meteorologists what their percentage of forecast accuracy was.
- Forty percent, Comrade Stalin.
- And you say the opposite, and then you will have sixty percent.

***
Seventieth anniversary
1949 marked the 70th anniversary of Stalin at the Bolshoi Theater. Stalin was gloomy, did not listen to speeches, left the presidium behind the scenes, smoked. Behind the scenes, the Hungarian leader Mathias Rakosi met him.
- How old are you, Comrade Rakoshi? - Stalin asked.
“Fifty-six,” Rakoshi drawled.
“Komsomol member,” said Stalin and patted him on the shoulder.

***
The chief architect of Moscow, Posokhin, reports to Stalin the idea of ​​restructuring Red Square. Before him is a mockup of a square in miniature.
- Iosif Vissarionovich, - the architect grit in a trembling voice, - the GUM building will be a little bit put back, - takes the GUM model with shaking hands and moves it back.
- And we will move the Historical Museum a little down.And St. Basil's Cathedral ...
Stalin interrupts.

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  • Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin

    Humor of Comrade Stalin